Comedy. Love. A Bit With a Dog.

This play is ridiculous. Critical consensus seems to be that this is one of the worst of all Shakes’ plays, with most arguing that it’s a super misogynistic bro-down and the scene stealer is an ornery dog.

It’s never really gotten the major movies treatment. There is a 1931 Chinese silent film called A Spray of Plum Blossoms which, shocker, my library does not own. The play was made into a TV movie six times (!) including in Austria and Germany. Oh, and one episode of Dawson’s Creek. For all you Shakespeare in Love fans out there, this is the play they are performing at the beginning of the film:

In the spirit of its historical reputation, I decided to summarize the play accordingly. Enjoy.

A modern summary of The Two Gentlemen of Verona

Hey, bro!

Yeah, bro?

We should, like, write a play, bro!

About what, bro?

US, bro!

Sick.

Totes. Ok, so here’s the synops: We’re from Verona, but we spend like ZERO time there. And I’m in love with this total smokeshow. And you’re like, WHIPPED! and I’m like no way bro! You’ll see, love is dope. And you’re like whatever, I’m taking a boat to Milan to hang out royally.

Whoa, bro! Verona is like, hella far from the ocean.

Bro, it’s like 1593. you think English peasants know that shit? Anyway, I come visit you in a castle and shit and you’re like BRO! I’m all in love and shit! And I’m like, TOLD YA! But like the first second I see your chick I’m like, nah actually my girlfriend died and I’m going to sell you out to her dad ’cause she’s like, so hot.

Bro!

It’s cool, bro! After you get banished you become King of the Thieves, like Robin Hood and shit and I’m like Silvia, please bone me! And she’s like, “You’re a pig! I hate you more than my dad!” And I’m like, no means yes!

Determination, bro. Epic.

So she bounces for the woods to find you. And we all run into each other and you’re like ‘Bro! You sold me out! What the hell?!’ And I’m like man, my bad bro. She was just, like, so hot. And you’re like ‘Yeah, I know. I immediately forgive literally everything you did. No probs. We can even both hook up with Silvia if you want. #wifeswap.’ But I’m like nah, cuz look! My I-said-she-was-dead girlfriend has been following us in disguise with this codpiece the whole time and she still totally wants me!

So sick. But what about my dog and our buddies Launce and Speed. Can they be in it too?

Yeah, bro! They can jump in at random and say stupid shit like they do in real life!

This will FOR SURE be part of the sickest collection of plays in history.

100, bro. 100.

– SCENE –

Lastly, a few quotable lines and where to find them:

Act 1, Scene 1 – whining about Julia’s father not wanting him to marry her;

Proteus: Thus have I shunn’d the fire for fear of burning. And drench’d me in the sea, where I am drown’d.

Act 2, Scene 7 – Lucetta to Julia, advising her how to cross-dress to disguise herself on her trip to Milan;

Lucetta: You must needs have them with a codpiece, madam.

Act 5, Scene 4 – Valentine finding out Proteus sold him out;

Valentine: The private wound is deepest: O time most accurst, ‘Mongst all foes that a friend should be the worst!